Divorce, Fatherhood, moving on...

No such thing as small change...

2009-08-03T10:46:00.001-07:00

Well as I move on from my messy divorce I find myself in new territory. I have taken the time to try and fix all of the things that made me feel bad about myself. I have lost 75 pounds since Valentines day....run 5 km a day to try and get back that body that I used to have when I played football. I have to be honest I am starting to feel good about myself...more confident ...and increasingly more aware that I am a stronger and better person.

The last 5 weeks have seemed like an eternity full of divorve events and behaviour from the "mother of my children" that would leave you stunned...I just pray that it will be over soon and that I can have peace and just focus on giving my 3 1/2 year old twin daughters the happiness and life they deserve. I refuse to bad mouth her , or sink to that level, but lets just say that I don't know if the hurt will ever heal or if I will ever be able to forgive her for what she has done....perhaps someday I will wake up and have peace...but until then I thank God for friends and family who have been so supportive.

Moving on....

Found this quote that defines how I feel right now:

Character, Integrity, Loyalty, Commitment, Respect....these are all attributes that I try and instill in my every day life and that I am teaching my children.
I don't know if I will find someone else to share my life with or if anyone would even b interested...but as I move into the single life I know what I want and that person would need to share the same values that I do....and not be afraid to stand up for what they believe in. Is that person out there?

I was never a person who thought about fashion until now...I am suddenly aware of what I am wearing when I head out the door...what are women attracted to? Jeans and a tight white t-shirt? Dress shirt? Hoodie..lol. Who knows.........I am 35 and getting old...hahah...but I honestly feel 21. As the old saying goes "you are only as old as you feel".

Well sorry for my wacky post.....writing what I feel at the moment and I feel much better as I reflect on my life and what I want to accomplish....my "bucket list" is getting longer....but my motivation is growing.

Here is to moving on...cheers.

Paul

Did you know...

2009-06-19T08:38:00.000-07:00

About the future:

I saw this at a teachers convention this year...it opened my eyes up to what the future will be like for my daughters by the time they graduate...times r a changin...lets hope we can keep up with our kids..lol.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jpEnFwiqdx8&feature=fvst

About women:

Okay I know that they are thinking the exact opposite of what I think they are thinking...which means if I think the opposite of what I am thinking I might know what they are thinking...oh forget it...I don't have a clue...need help in so many ways...lol...is there a manual...or idiots guide...

About Football:

Football is sometimes referred to as being played on the "Gridiron"...why you ask.........well in the original days of football over a century ago they did not have line painting machines or chalk to line the fields...so what they did was take a piece of iron and heat it up really hot and then place it on the ground where they wanted to put a line and it would burn a mark into the ground...by the time they were finished the field looked like a grid...hence the term "gridiron :)

About what men think they know about women:

Well that is a whole blog in itself for another time....lol

About my favourite quote:

"Nobody said life would be easy....just that it would be worth it"

About my favorite childhood tv show:

The A-Team...still have a collection of memorabilia

About my childhood tv crush:

Alyssa Milano....sigh.

About me:

Divorced, father of 3 and a half year old twin daughters, athletic, very romantic, quiet, love camping, love sitting around a fire, love walks, learning to enjoy life again, learning to experience life again, learning about me again.

Here is to the past and the future....cheers

What a moment...

2009-06-15T11:50:00.000-07:00

Well if you have read my first post you have been introduced to my divorce situation...my fears, my emotions and the attitude I am trying to maintain. Each day brings new battles and even small victories or moments to smile and keep me going.

It was a rough weekend...very rough...I thought that I had come to grips with some issues but the floodgates opened....have you ever had a moment when you just cry and then suddenly minutes later you just stop and you have nothing left...yah that was me....sad but true...I am only human...even though us guys try and act tough and pretend that nothing gets to us....yah we are kidding ourselves...we hurt just like everyone it is just that usually no one sees the emotion...we are very guarded...behind closed doors.

Anyways...I finished crying went to give my kids a hug and I said under my breath "I give up I can't do this anymore" and my 3 1/2 year old daughter says "Daddy don't give up, never give up"........

WOW...my jaw dropped and I just gave her a kiss and hug and told her she was the smartest 3 1/2 year old I know....that was one of those moments that I will never forget.

On the mornings that I wake up and don't feel like I can take on the challenges or the emotion of the day...I think about my little girl and the advice she gave me and it gives me the strength and courage to take on anything...bring it on....

I think that everyone of us when we feel like we can't go on have someone that motivates us to keep on going...I am blessed that I have 2 beautiful twin daughters that are my life...that are my inspiration.

I will survive...I am somebody...

Here is to those defining moments.....cheers.

tears for years

2009-06-12T12:24:00.000-07:00

Well...hmmm...my first blog...and I think I have a lot to say..even if I just to get my thoughts out of my head and onto paper...does it matter if anyone reads...I don't know..I guess I will find out.

Well I was to be celebrating my 10th anniversary with my wife this summer in August. We had dated for 5 years before we tied the knot so we were eachothers best friends and lovers for the last 15 years. 3 1/2 years ago we welcomed our beautiful twin daughters into this world....and started our lives as parents ...I am not going to lie it was the most stressful and tiring experience of my life up until now. They were premature...just over 4 lbs and needed to be fed every 45 minutes during the night so sleep was non existent. I am a hands on dad and I was up with one of the girls or the other every hour. I did not believe that I should be sleeping while my wife got up all the time. They are my responsibility as well...they are half me!

Anyways.....this past Jan/Feb my wife got depressed and started chatting with people on a fan website for a musical group that was making a comeback that she used to be obsessed with as a teeneager. So as it turns out she meets a 19 year old guy from Brazil who after chatting with and (I later found out) speaking with on the phone for 2 weeks decides that she wants a divorce and that she loves this guy.

Now this is where I will stop and say that after what she has put myself and my children through the last 6 months...I could very easily sit here and write horrible truths about her and her behaviour...but I won't...............she is still the mother of my children and I don't want my kids to read this someday and be hurt.

So here I sit..have I said to much already??? too much detail??? I guess this is just how I feel.

This divorce has been the most emotional, tramatic and life altering event of my life. It is like something you have loved dearly has suddenly died and you grieve except in the case of divorce there is no closure as you have to deal with this person in a parenting relationship for the rest of your life.

Guys do cry.....believe me...I sit up all night wondering how this has happened and how she can hate me so much...what did I ever do...why did she never say anything...why can't she think of one good thing, one positive thing about the last 15 years. I fought to get her back, which only seemed to make her more angry....I guess she feels that everything wrong in her life is my fault. I have fought to get custody my girls half of the week and won...I am proud to be their dad and want them to know someday that I fought like hell for them...to be there for them...to be the best dad I could be for them.

phewwwwwwww......okay....so my biggest fear is being alone....my bigggest fear is waking up on the days I don't have my girls and not being able to hug and kiss them goodmorning...or tuck them in at night. I am scared of waking up with no one to cuddle , kiss good morning, hold, talk to, to be intimate with, to be best friends with.

That is my biggest hurdle..being alone. Do I need to find this person right away...no...and I understand that and I respect that it may never happen as well.

So that leads to movin on...I have not dated in over 15 years...I have no clue how to even start...I am like a bumbling idiot...doh!

I guess in some ways I look forward to the challenges and fun that dating will bring as I move on as a bachelor. The butterflies and nervousness, the "tingling at the tip of your tongue" as a friend has described it. Those challenges will be future blogs I am sure

I deserve to be loved...and I have lots of love to give.

Each day brings new challenges and small victories...but I have decided that I do not want to die someday with any regrets...so I plan on living life to the fullest and taking chances...putting my energy into being the best father that I can be for my kids..and the best person that I can be for myself.

Here is to moving on....cheers.